i'm feeling suicidal again these days. i don't know why it has to hurt like this. i can understand it, i can rationalize it, i can even justify, but it still hurts. i'm smartin again from heartbreak. i know he only did it because it was the right thing to do at those times. but he saved me before i fell. but it still doesn't diminish the fact that i'm affected by this and it hurts. i thought those days would turn to weeks and months and maybe even years. i've liked him for such a long time that it seems ridiculous. caring for someone in this way makes me feel suicidal. like despair ran me over bleeding and stunned. i know for sure that i'm not in love with him, but i want him. i really do. not sure if a big factor would be because he's pushing me away. i feel like if i go forward i'm wrong, i move slow, i'm wrong. i'm physically tired this afternoon. maybe that's just it. a few stolen kisses, caresses, moving fast towards nothing. but it still hurts. i shall savor it for now, knowing that i can still feel this way for a person. God help me.

i've never been this absolute and definite about a man my whole life. i don't know if its because it has been such a long time. but i want this, him, us together. to give but not to expect. i just want someone to devote myself to, and i choose him. now i know what it feels to be on the other side. it hurts but it feels so good to give so freely. i don't love him...yet. but i know that he is someone i can love, follow and urk! be subservient to. why can't he see me the way i want him to? but then again does it even matter. i just need to exorcise this. i've done a lot of things the wrong way in the past. the hurts that i've experienced i will never trade but the way i reacted i would definitely change it. face it head on. confront it face to face. i choose the rollercoaster, the ups and the down, the fear the excitement the thrill the craziness, the wanting to get out but staying on because i committed to ride it out. i choose that over the carousel to stay inside my comfort zones going round and round never getting off it, afraid to try.

i hate the fact that i miss kaloy. i hate the fact that he's always there at the back of my mind. i hate everything my friends say about him and that they taunt my views on relationships. i hate the fact that i actually care about a person who doesn't seem to acknowledge my existence. i hate the fact that you cannot depend on anybody. for anything. that promises were made to be broken. and if you believe in other people's promises it will just break your heart. i hate that i'm being weak about this and emotionally parasitic on friends.

Lord, why? Why are all these feelings here? And how did they actually grow without me even seeing him? Please take them away if they are not Your will.

And I hate the fact that for the umpteenth time in my life, I'm doing nothing.

it always hurts when a person you care about doesn't feel the same way about you. they may care but the depth and level cannot be compared. it hurts if you want to give it your all, but they just want to give a small percent back. or maybe nothing at all. or maybe they don't even notice you. like a fork piercing the inner recesses of your being. and sometimes you wonder, what's wrong with me? and your friends tell you: "nothing. you're perfect." but you refuse to believe in that. you want to love and be loved in return. we all want to be loved in a certain way or we feel we are not loved at all. but hear this: don't love if you expect to be loved back. don't give if you want something in return. the most selfish thing you can do is offer one hand, while the other hand is at your back waiting for reciprocation.

i don't know why all of a sudden im thinking about him all the time. he's there always at the back of my mind. time seems to encapsulate me and the days pass by without any rips and i remain cocooned in it, still thinking about him. he seems to be part and parcel of me. i don't love him. but if he comes back, i would choose to. do i tell him how i feel about him, how he rocked my world, then left me in darkness? that i'm slow and i was lying to myself the whole time we were going out. i don't really miss him all that much. but i want to be with him. does that make sense? i want to write my own history. is it too late to do something? i want to shun regret and conformity. there's always a prep talk going on in my mind but i never actually get to do anything. i'm ready. i wonder if he even thinks of me at all these days.

dark glasses

(The amorous subject wonders, not whether she should declare her love to the loved being, but to what degree she should conceal the turbulence of her passion: her desires, her distresses; in short, her excesses.)

...Yet, to hide a passion totally (or even to hide, more simply, its excess) is inconceivable: not because the human subject is too weak, but because passion is in essence made to be seen: the hiding must be seen: I want you to know that I am hiding something from you, that is the active paradox I must resolve: at one and the same time it must be known and not known: I want you to know that I don't want to show my feelings: that is the message I address to the other. I advance pointing to my mask: I set a mask upon my passion, but with a discreet (and wily) finger I designate this mask.

-roland barthes (a lover's discourse)

My Possible Titles

Pagninilaynilay Sa Pilikmata ng Bahaghari
You're Giving Me A Headache, Group Yourselves Into Three!
Isa, Dalawa, Tatlo! Ang Tatay Mong Kalbo: The Musical
Langoy, Darna, Langoy (kinda like Run, Lola, Run)
Ang Pag-ahon ng Araw Sa Yakap ng Lamig
Paru-parong Ligaw sa Tamis ng Dugong Araw
Mahal Kita Kahit Wala Kang Buhok
Bihag Ng Mga Matang Nangungusap
Beki: Ang Paglaya Mula Sa Kwadro
Ayoko Na Dito Kaya Sasakay Ako Ng Tren

disclaimer for torete

scrolling down to my previous posts, i realize how stupid "torete" sounded. i was in earnest at that time, but given my current listening music-"No More I Love You's" it wouldn't be applicable anymore. like i had stated there, i sometimes wondered if he was a figment of my imagination. he was a real person, yes, but was more like a victim of my fascination. momentary infatuation which had no chance of attaining fruition. or maybe my interest dropped when i learned he already had a kid. no, i'm not being preachy and saying having-premarital-sex-and- fathering-a-child-then-not-marrying-the-girl is a sin, but it's not exactly a turn on. i have no idea what happened there. nor do i have the right to judge. i'm just writing this in lieu of a giant eraser for the post "torete". to quote from the virginia woolf novel based The Hours, what we write is always something more or something less than what actually is. i guess it was an exaggeration of sorts? binabawi ko lang, pare. now searching for new victim of hyperdeadened imagination....

I need to get to me

Thirty three stories is a long way to go, I think as I stare outside my office's glasswindow. The heart of makati starts to pump alive as random white cars gradually multiply, shunting ayala's veins. Early (incredibly early) in the morning and I am prisoner of this internet room. Longing for something to make me sane, something real, something that would whirl me out of this mindnumbing existence. Summer's clasp upon the islands has loosened allowing inconsistent torrents of rain. A transition in time yet I remain stoic in my place. The beach, the overlapping of waves like lovers frolicking in bed, the desired heat kissing every part of my browned body, the rough yet smooth feel of the sand under me, it calls to me. Like a crazed woman looking for a lost son (sisa, ikaw ba yan), desperation piercing the core of one's soul, I look towards the beach. Not only because my ego taunts me to display my flesh in my new darna red bikini, but because i need to be somewhere else but this office. I know through travel, especially to a place never visited before, I will also get to visit myself. A younger, more innocent self, unleashing the truth behind the facade set up as a defense mechanism in this call center agent eat call center agent metro.

~~~~~~~
I do not know how to describe a soft breeze for it has been some time since I felt one.

I've forgotten if my goddaugthter has a dimple because I haven't seen her in a month.

I don't how I would my move my lips if ever a kiss would be set upon it for love's touch has eluded me for sometime.

Or have I eluded it? I need to stop hesitating. Stop procrastinating. I must change the lines on my palm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Short term goal: grab a vacancy in the sleeping room.
Medium term goal: eat a decent breakfast.
Long term goal: watch the basketball game this afternoon.

Do you think I need to delve deeper regarding my aims in life? =p