i'm feeling suicidal again these days. i don't know why it has to hurt like this. i can understand it, i can rationalize it, i can even justify, but it still hurts. i'm smartin again from heartbreak. i know he only did it because it was the right thing to do at those times. but he saved me before i fell. but it still doesn't diminish the fact that i'm affected by this and it hurts. i thought those days would turn to weeks and months and maybe even years. i've liked him for such a long time that it seems ridiculous. caring for someone in this way makes me feel suicidal. like despair ran me over bleeding and stunned. i know for sure that i'm not in love with him, but i want him. i really do. not sure if a big factor would be because he's pushing me away. i feel like if i go forward i'm wrong, i move slow, i'm wrong. i'm physically tired this afternoon. maybe that's just it. a few stolen kisses, caresses, moving fast towards nothing. but it still hurts. i shall savor it for now, knowing that i can still feel this way for a person. God help me.