i hate the fact that i miss kaloy. i hate the fact that he's always there at the back of my mind. i hate everything my friends say about him and that they taunt my views on relationships. i hate the fact that i actually care about a person who doesn't seem to acknowledge my existence. i hate the fact that you cannot depend on anybody. for anything. that promises were made to be broken. and if you believe in other people's promises it will just break your heart. i hate that i'm being weak about this and emotionally parasitic on friends.

Lord, why? Why are all these feelings here? And how did they actually grow without me even seeing him? Please take them away if they are not Your will.

And I hate the fact that for the umpteenth time in my life, I'm doing nothing.

it always hurts when a person you care about doesn't feel the same way about you. they may care but the depth and level cannot be compared. it hurts if you want to give it your all, but they just want to give a small percent back. or maybe nothing at all. or maybe they don't even notice you. like a fork piercing the inner recesses of your being. and sometimes you wonder, what's wrong with me? and your friends tell you: "nothing. you're perfect." but you refuse to believe in that. you want to love and be loved in return. we all want to be loved in a certain way or we feel we are not loved at all. but hear this: don't love if you expect to be loved back. don't give if you want something in return. the most selfish thing you can do is offer one hand, while the other hand is at your back waiting for reciprocation.

i don't know why all of a sudden im thinking about him all the time. he's there always at the back of my mind. time seems to encapsulate me and the days pass by without any rips and i remain cocooned in it, still thinking about him. he seems to be part and parcel of me. i don't love him. but if he comes back, i would choose to. do i tell him how i feel about him, how he rocked my world, then left me in darkness? that i'm slow and i was lying to myself the whole time we were going out. i don't really miss him all that much. but i want to be with him. does that make sense? i want to write my own history. is it too late to do something? i want to shun regret and conformity. there's always a prep talk going on in my mind but i never actually get to do anything. i'm ready. i wonder if he even thinks of me at all these days.

dark glasses

(The amorous subject wonders, not whether she should declare her love to the loved being, but to what degree she should conceal the turbulence of her passion: her desires, her distresses; in short, her excesses.)

...Yet, to hide a passion totally (or even to hide, more simply, its excess) is inconceivable: not because the human subject is too weak, but because passion is in essence made to be seen: the hiding must be seen: I want you to know that I am hiding something from you, that is the active paradox I must resolve: at one and the same time it must be known and not known: I want you to know that I don't want to show my feelings: that is the message I address to the other. I advance pointing to my mask: I set a mask upon my passion, but with a discreet (and wily) finger I designate this mask.

-roland barthes (a lover's discourse)

My Possible Titles

Pagninilaynilay Sa Pilikmata ng Bahaghari
You're Giving Me A Headache, Group Yourselves Into Three!
Isa, Dalawa, Tatlo! Ang Tatay Mong Kalbo: The Musical
Langoy, Darna, Langoy (kinda like Run, Lola, Run)
Ang Pag-ahon ng Araw Sa Yakap ng Lamig
Paru-parong Ligaw sa Tamis ng Dugong Araw
Mahal Kita Kahit Wala Kang Buhok
Bihag Ng Mga Matang Nangungusap
Beki: Ang Paglaya Mula Sa Kwadro
Ayoko Na Dito Kaya Sasakay Ako Ng Tren