i'm feeling suicidal again these days. i don't know why it has to hurt like this. i can understand it, i can rationalize it, i can even justify, but it still hurts. i'm smartin again from heartbreak. i know he only did it because it was the right thing to do at those times. but he saved me before i fell. but it still doesn't diminish the fact that i'm affected by this and it hurts. i thought those days would turn to weeks and months and maybe even years. i've liked him for such a long time that it seems ridiculous. caring for someone in this way makes me feel suicidal. like despair ran me over bleeding and stunned. i know for sure that i'm not in love with him, but i want him. i really do. not sure if a big factor would be because he's pushing me away. i feel like if i go forward i'm wrong, i move slow, i'm wrong. i'm physically tired this afternoon. maybe that's just it. a few stolen kisses, caresses, moving fast towards nothing. but it still hurts. i shall savor it for now, knowing that i can still feel this way for a person. God help me.

i've never been this absolute and definite about a man my whole life. i don't know if its because it has been such a long time. but i want this, him, us together. to give but not to expect. i just want someone to devote myself to, and i choose him. now i know what it feels to be on the other side. it hurts but it feels so good to give so freely. i don't love him...yet. but i know that he is someone i can love, follow and urk! be subservient to. why can't he see me the way i want him to? but then again does it even matter. i just need to exorcise this. i've done a lot of things the wrong way in the past. the hurts that i've experienced i will never trade but the way i reacted i would definitely change it. face it head on. confront it face to face. i choose the rollercoaster, the ups and the down, the fear the excitement the thrill the craziness, the wanting to get out but staying on because i committed to ride it out. i choose that over the carousel to stay inside my comfort zones going round and round never getting off it, afraid to try.